Jesus Show Converts Water into Whines

After only one performance, the Jesus Christ Comeback Spectacular has been cancelled. Opening this past Friday at The Luxor in Las Vegas, Christ failed to impress even the most gullible in his audience. Mike Thompson, a heating & air conditioning repair man on vacation from Levittown, PA had to walk out during the show. “Last year we had a magician, Buddy The Great, at my son’s birthday party and I was blown away by his illusions. But this Jesus show was a joke. Turning water into wine on stage? Come on! I saw Criss Angel turn someone’s water into beer on the street, five feet from my face. Now that’s a trick.” Criss Angel’s name came up quite often from audience members. Since Angel walked on water last decade and seemed to return from the dead, or at the very least escape death multiple times, it was an easy comparison. In fact, during our exit polls, 98% thought Criss Angel would be a better Jesus Christ than the man from Nazareth. The other 2% wanted Robert Downey Jr to be the new Christ.

Johe Lillian Garfield, a make up artist from Los Angeles, CA thought the production design for the JC show was “horrendous.” “The Gallagher show,with all that watermelon gook everywhere, had better design than The JC Comeback. I was embarrassed for him.” During the grand finale of the Spectacular, Jesus asks members of the audience to come up and be healed. Reverend Frank Temple from St. Paul’s Parrish in Minnesota said this moment was the final straw. “I got up, made sure to make eye contact with Jesus, and then stormed out in a huff. I wanted him to know that he has let us all down. He turned my religion into a two-bit faith healer revival tent. Unacceptable.” This was the central theme trumpeted by Christians who attended the opening show. They all claimed that Jesus was not representative of the Christianity that they were taught to be the one true way.

If all this wasn’t bad enough, Gary Jones, Marketing Consultant and author of How to Whore Yourself  insists that Jesus is responsible for the “biggest marketing failure in recorded history.” While  Jones does agree that the show’s pedestrian tricks and “lame-ass” stage show factors into the epic fail, he claims it was Jesus’ image and not knowing how to sell it as the biggest culprit. “When people saw the posters, it wasn’t the Jesus they fell in love with. He looks Middle Eastern. That’s not a good look these days if you are trying to sell tickets.” Jones’ opinion, while controversial, has been echoed by many experts in the marketing field. People were too afraid to buy tickets. One reluctant audience member told us that he almost didn’t go because he thought it was a ruse by Al-Quaida to blow up the Luxor in Jesus’ name. Even Jesus Christ was late for his own show. Hotel Security took him in for questioning while on his way to his show. The show was delayed an hour until the interogation was complete.

Now that the show has been cancelled, the Lord & Savior is out of work. “This is all I know… well, this and carpentry. I guess I could do that.” But without a resume or experience with modern tools industry experts don’t see wood work in Jesus’ future. When told this news, Jesus became visually agitated. Near tears he blurted out, “Well, SHIT! This was never in the prophecies!

Even the magic world is turning its back on Jesus. They claim his tricks are mundane. “We’ve seen it all before,” claimed one Castle member. Criss Angel, when asked to comment on the Jesus Christ Comeback Spectacular smiled and politely said in his thick New Jersey accent, “Been there, done that.” The World Famous Hollywood Magic Castle, which gave Jesus an honorary membership upon announcing his comeback show recently revoked his access after viewing his show. “We can’t be associated with charlatans,” was the official statement sent to us by the Magic Castle.

The IRS isn’t far behind either. The show was tax exempt since it was considered a religious project, but now with many Christians leaving the faith in droves and its leader being hailed by many as a fraud, Jesus might have a hefty bill to pay to the government. Our advice to Jesus–start another cult… SOON!

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