St. Paul: Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

“We can’t stop here. This is bat country!” – Hunter S. Thompson

Think about the people living during the first century. Those that hung around Jesus were poor, struggling people. They were illiterate. Families lived in one room together. Their town smelled like shit because they would dump their sewage in one location in the street. Slavery was common and nobody thought anything was wrong with that. In short, the people were very primitive. Compared to people today, they were monkeys. They believed in stuff that most of today’s devoted Christians would find silly. Science was also primitive and when it was good, it was thought of as against God.

Now think about the crazy cults that were going on in the first century. People need to understand that Jesus Christ does not only refer to the popular guy staring down from the cross on their wall with his long, flowing locks of blonde hair and rock-star-blue eyes. In fact, several Christ Cults sprung up before Jesus of Nazareth. The history is there for anyone willing to search for it. Lots of Looney Tunes Jews were making messianic claims. Everyone had their own personal Jesus.

Eventually one of these claims took off. It’s like the Snuggie–you know, that wonderful blanket with sleeves. People were buying them up as if it was the new savior for those who found a regular blanket so cumbersome. But wait, there’s more! The makers of the Slanket, a precurser to the Snuggie were first. You could hear the makers proclaim on the virtual streets of the interwebs, “We came up with this first!” Why did the masses choose to wrap themselves in Snuggies over Slankets? But it wasn’t a choice, was it? Like many Christians today, they were unaware that there was a similar product prior to the one they bought. Could you imagine if a cult sprung up around the Snuggie? Could you imagine people denying the existence of the Slanket? Could you imagine the Slanket being thought of as a tool of the devil to sway you from the one true blanket? It really isn’t that much a stretch as seen in the video below.

When it comes to blankets with sleeves, many factors play into which one comes out on top; price, construction, branding. However, the marketing and sales departments were probably what put Snuggie on top. I believe that Nazareth Jesus Group, Inc had a better marketing and sales plan. Who was the Steve Jobs of Christianity? That would be Paul, lunatic extraordinaire.

Here are some interesting facts about St. Paul.

    • Paul was not an eyewitness to Jesus
    • Paul never even makes any claims of an Earthly Jesus
    • Paul’s Jesus is a ghost, a spirit – a hallucination.
    • Paul makes it perfectly clear that he did not receive his knowledge through any man only through revelation aka tripping.
    • Paul is making this shit up just like the other Jesus Cult guys. In fact, Paul’s Christianity is metaphysical plagiarism.

So we got this whacko walking around having what are essentially acid trips and giving it the (very common) name Jesus Christ. He is just another freak in the freak kingdom. Today, when people see things or hear voices that aren’t there, we call them crazy. Nobody would accept this bullshit today. If some smelly hippie walked up to you on the streets, told you that he saw Jesus and asked you to follow him, you would most likely laugh him away. Unless, of course, you were gullible, mentally ill, or had issues – which the first Christians clearly had to be. Let’s face it, the first Christians were losers. They were easily swayed, mental, and they were assholes (just read Paul’s views on women).

Moreover, there most likely wasn’t even a real man that these dicks were worshiping. Paul, who was the earliest writer, doesn’t talk at all about a real life Jesus walking around performing miracles. That shit was made up later–much later after Paul’s death. There are no outside sources during the first century that talk about all the crazy shit that went down with Jesus. Just think about that for a moment. This Christ fellow, who Christians tell you is the most important dude who walked this earth and did some serious shit to fuck up the system–nobody cared to write any of that down. Nope. Just didn’t make the cut. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It’s like he didn’t even exist. This was a very well documented century but the historians writing during that time didn’t think the following was newsworthy: men rising from the dead, global sun blackouts, major earthquakes, slaughtering children during the reign of Herod… the list goes on an on but you get the idea. Where is the actual proof that this joker existed? I’m not talking about people making shit up 100 years later either so don’t quote me the Gospels. Anybody can make up a religion. You know they ALL are made up. Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard is a perfect modern day example. People laugh at Tom Cruise believing in Scientology like their religion is perfectly sane.

During the Facebook Christian Debate, Ignorant Christian Mike had this to say:

Mike: “I would encourage you to read the New Testament with your heart, not your head. Then ask yourself this: “Why did these fishermen – cowards and unlearned men by their own accounts – ultimately subject themselves to DEATH rather than recant what they had claimed to see (the resurrection of Jesus Christ)? What caused that change? What did they SEE? And why did Paul, a historically well-documented, talented torturer of Christians for the Romans, do the same? What changed their hearts?”

I already addressed the “reading from your heart” in my “Useless Christian Advice 101” blog. Mike also kept coming back to me citing martyrdom as proof of Jesus’ existence. I’ll address the obvious reasons why that is just bat shit crazy logic in a future blog. But I hope that this blog addresses the part where he uses Paul as proof Jesus was real. It doesn’t matter to me. Paul doesn’t write as if Jesus was a real person but more importantly – Paul was fucking crazy. The dude saw shit that wasn’t there. He was tripping. If we had a time machine and were able to take an entire Grateful Dead concert back to the first century, we would have thousands of Pauls and even more religions spawning from these tab-eatin’ prophets. Just because some misogynistic and anti-Semitic mental patient saw god doesn’t make it true. And just because the sales and marketing department tactics (which included death if you didn’t buy their product) worked also doesn’t make it true. It just makes it sad and immoral respectively.

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2 responses to “St. Paul: Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

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